Entry nº 44: Fat and happy

I can’t understand why I can’t be fat and happy. I have never been thin but in a period form my 16 to my 22 years old I used to be rather slim. But after I got married, I gained more than 10 kilos and now I am trying as hard as I can to lose some weight. Since a month ago, I’ve lost 5 kilos more or less but I still can’t fit on the clothes I used to wear while I was single. All this stuff of trying to lose weight involves eating less food, abandoning sweets and fried food, eating more boiled vegetables and fruit instead of fatty things. And of course doing some exercise but I must confess it is a challenge to me because I feel terrible when I have a desire for something that I shall not eat. This gets even worse when I cannot manage the temptation and I eat those things because I think that it is useless, that I always be fat and I will probably become obesse one day and I feel terrible.
I love eating especially sweets, cakes, desserts and chocolates. I don’t know if I am wrong but I do not feel bad for being fat. What annoys me is the fact that I can’t find clothes of my size, or if I find something, these clothes are always very expensive and I do not have money enough to pay for them. So I have to quit on my habits and do anything possible to control myself and lose weight. It is not my aim to be as thin as models are, but I would like to be able to wear my old clothes again because those clothes are not so old in fact, and I do not have much cloth now.
From my personal experience, I know you can be loved by anyone if you are fat, the problem is that society do not accept fat people. If you apply for a job as a secretary they won’t choose you, if you teach the student laugh at you. Any kind of job related to dealing with people will reject you, so the hidden message is ‘ if you are fat just disappear ‘. These employees push you to live indoors jaled inside your house. The media are the main responsable and transmisor of this message but even the media are controlled by the market.
As nowadays everything is valued by its cost, nothing sells better than beauty and the modern stereotype of beauty is a skinny person who is surrounded by the latest fashionable luxuries. The media also transmit a confusing message, because on the one hand, they show tv and radio programms that encourage acceptance to everybody, critisize discrimination of any type and the skinny and materialist image of the beauty stereotype. But in the everyday life, in real life, we know that in this world there is only place for the smaller and more beautiful group, the skinny ones; while the ugly or fat ones are rejected from any place.