lunes, 2 de marzo de 2009

Entry nº 42: Is it really necessary to follow the rules?

Is it really necessary to follow the rules? Is it so wrong not to do what we are expected to do? What if one day I decide to give up with everything, if I just quit on all the things I usually do and simply go away. What if I leave my husband, my job, my family and take a bus to any distant place and start again. I could probably be insulted and critisized by the whole neighbourhood and it is possible that my family would never forgive me and I’m sure my husband won’t ever understand or forgive neither. What if instead of running away for better it ends up being for worse?
But what if on the contrary, there is a happy life and a much better future waiting for me in somewhere far from here? I will probably never know because though I have dreamed of that many times, I don’t think I will be able some day to change my life. I’m affread of not finding anything better, I’m scare to realize that this lonely and sad life that I live now and which I chose, is the best life that I will ever have.
I’m lost, I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m empty, I’m hopeless and above all these feelings I am not happy. No matter how hard I try, happiness is always out of my reach. It is as if happiness would always try to avoid me. Then I remember my sins and I understand that this is my punishment because I’ve killed a part of myself. I was sorry then and I’m sorry now, I regret it and I will always be. But God does not listen to my prays, He can’t forgive me and I can’t forgive me either.
I am losing my strength I’m losing my willingness to live. I can’t go on like this anymore neither can I stop my pain because I know it will be worse. Every day I wake up and I do not want to open my eyes, I just keep my eyes closed and try to sleep again because I don’t want to order my body to go on with this killing routine, I wish not to wake up any more. But life outdoors goes on and like me or not I’m part of it. So I just turn on the automatic machine in me to do what I’m supposed to do.
My tears have become an ocean of pain where I want to sink myself. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t take drugs or any other kind of anaesthetic because there is nothing on earth that could care my wounds and take this pain away. I’m half dead already. I can`t deal with it by myself, I need help but I am absolutely incapable of asking for help, only God knows how I exist. I am half living only because I can’t stop the air reaching my lungs. I wonder if there is someone out there who could save me.

3 comentarios:

Unknown dijo...

I love your blog, i have read almost every post.

Unknown dijo...

I love your blog, i have read almost every post.

Unknown dijo...

Can you do a paragraph for the fame?