Entry 45:

Last night I went away from home trying to escape from my reality, running away from my life, or may be from what I did with my life.
I started to walk without knowing where to go, without thinking of a particular place, I just new that I wanted to be as far as possible from him, from my owner, my punishment.
I didn`t want to cry because I was tired of crying every time I am desperate, my tears have never fixed anything but have helped me to release my unger.
Last night I thought that if I refused to cry I would become stronger because when I cry I feel weak and lost, so may be if I didn`t cry I would be able to control my feelings, I would avoid been hurt by the others, by him.
In fact, during my childhood and my adolescence this method used to be useful. Nowadays pretending to be a stone with no feelings is harder every time.
I have everything I need to be happy or at least I suppossed I would be happy as I live now. I just wanted someone that loved me and protected me and took care of me, I never wished having lots of money to be happy so material things are not my problem.Materially speaking I have nor less nor more of what I need.
My real problem is that I can not be happy because I do not feel the peace in my soul that just a devoted love would have given me. I know that truly love is that which you give without asking for nothing in return, but although I`ve tried to love in this way the one that I chosed to love loves me in a very meanful way.
Somentimes I think that since I started making my own decisions I started making the worst mistakes in my life and I ended up living as I do now.
In those moments I wish I could be a little child again and never grow up because as far as I know the happiest moments that I have in my memory are from my childhood. Growing up really pains.
In those moments I feel I`m lost and I will never find a way out, a hope, someone or something that will give me back the strength that I need to go on, to fight for my happiness, for me.
Since a long time ago I`ve been living like an automatic machine, like a robot, doing what I`m suppossed to do and pretending to be happy and full of dreams. I do not want to worry my family especially my mum, and I also know that they can not help me because it was my decision to live as I live so I am the only one who have to change it. But the fact is that I can`t, and I don`t know how long I will keep holding this lie.