Entry nº 41: Sometimes I feel lost

Sometimes I feel lost, lost in my life, lost and lonely and then is when I wish I was a child again with no responsibilities, no decisions to take, I just had to obey what mum said and do my homework. Then I realize how happy was my childhood and what a responsibility it is to be a parent. Because you must take care of yourself, but more important, you have to take care of your child.
So I think I am a coward because I cry a lot feeling sorry for myself and hidding myself under the covers, my bed is my shelter. I feel scare of going out and decide what to do with my life, I prefer not to do anything than to do something and make a mistake. I am reluctant to taking risks but I know I am not living, I am just following the flow, I am just doing what I’m supposed to do, following the social rules. I also know that many people live their entire lives like that, but something inside tells me that this way of existing is not real life.
Sometimes I get bored and tired of this routine and I dream awake of many different lives that I could live, I imagine myself escaping in the night, leaving everything behind to start again in a different place far away from here. I imagine myself meeting new people, falling in love again but with someone completely different.
But when I come back to real time again, I know that won’t happen. Then I understand that I have got accustom to my ordinary and boring and many times depressing life. I turn on the radio and listen to music and sing as loud as I can to silence the noise in me, to stop the crying inside.
I comfort myself thinking that I am not as bad as many other people are, I am not so lonely, so sad, so bored. I have people to share my life with, I have a family who loves me, a husband who though far from being perfect, I think he loves me too. And although I know I am not the most attractive woman on earth, he makes feels like if I were. I am studying to be a teacher and If God helps me, I will finish this year. I have friends, I am in good health, I have a home, I have food every day and clothes to wear.
Then I realize I have more than I can expect and I give thanks God for all what I have and all what I am.